What does it mean to be single?
As I understand, the core needs of mankind are to be loved (incl. intimacy), to be heard and understood and to be accepted for who they are. For many singles, some or all of these needs (for a variety of reasons) are missing and as such can become obstacles from moving forward.
It is therefore important for singles to determine the reality of the feelings associated with these needs by coming to terms with the situation they are faced with on the one hand and to actively place themselves in an environment from which they can move forward – so that they can be loved, heard and accepted.
We all have feelings. Because of loneliness, the inability to tackle certain tasks and other factors associated with singleness, these feelings can take control of one’s life, leaving the single person somewhat incapacitated. In my mind, strong negative feelings get developed from one’s early life experiences as well as from losses later in life. Losses come in a variety of disguises, death of a loved one, divorce, accident and ill-health, separation from the family home and separation from family and friends.
Humans (well most) are born with a survival instinct. Many single people lead very successful lives, happy and content. Some learn though to be too independent whilst others become needy (codependent). Most though unwittingly put on survival masks that hide their true feelings, hurts and loneliness from the world. Independency, codependency and survival masks can prevent a person from developing a successful future relationship.
The objective of my book and this web site is to help singles move forward and to find the purpose for their life that God intended
Overcoming Singleness
Step 1: Become part of a family...
Become part of a family where you can feel safe to open up: I suggest you look out for a home (house) group operating in your area (if not, I can help you set one up), Failing that look for an activity where you can discuss your feelings and thoughts. Hiking and dancing (consider the RSA or the Citizens Club) come to mind.
Step 2: Find a buddy and mentor...
Find a buddy and mentor who can help you through the transition.
Step 3: Establish the reality of your current situation...
Establish the reality of your current situation and the feelings that are associated (the good as well as the bad). In doing so you can identify your limitations that will also enable your buddy/mentor to better guide you.
Step 4: Establish the ‘real you’...
Establish the ‘real you’. Your personality, your strengths, your talents etc. By doing so, you can stand up to others with confidence that will help you deflect away any negative comments. You do need to accept yourself (warts and all) as long as you are not being deliberately hostile.
Step 5: Establish a purpose for your life...
Establish a purpose for your life that will come from knowing your personality, strengths and talents etc. This will give you back your hope in life. Set yourself a life plan and of course try to keep to it! You will be more likely to find a future partner when you are self-assured.
Step 6: Master the generic skills of loving...
Master the generic skills of loving, communicating, leading and negotiating as well as any specific skills needed for your new ‘purpose driven life’.
What We Offer
Firstly, to provide single people with the ability and tools that can transform their lives to one that is driven by a purpose and one that can provide contentment and joy. In doing so, we hope that singles will find the person of their dreams, as we firmly believe that only a very few special people are meant to remain single.
Secondly, to encourage and help churches and community hubs throughout New Zealand to set up home groups that will provide a safe and open environment where singles can gain the confidence to change and move forward. We will come in and train up leaders on how to run a home group and how to deliver the programme (see our programme)
Thirdly, to highlight through the media, blogs and discussion groups, why so many married people are wrong in assuming the needs and concerns of singles are no different to theirs. We need society to be more understanding of singles (including the impact of dealing with losses, practicalities and change without a partner to share with) and be prepared to be more compassionate and helpful.
Lastly, to develop collaborating communities – all working together. We see a lot of good money go to waste because the programme is too narrow and too isolated of other support areas that are needed to change a person in a sustainable way.
- Acknowledge the core concerns, issues, needs and feelings associated with being single. (see section on singleness)
- Acknowledge any baggage you are holding onto maybe preventing you from a future partner, a decent job and from leading a purpose driven life.
- Identify the source of that baggage and its associated symptoms and feelings and the means by which you can overcome it. We look at attitude and the power of the brain.
- Identify who you ‘truly are’ through undertaking several free psychometric and personality profiling quizzes found on the internet.
- Learn the core concepts of being a good friend (unconditional love), communicator, leader and negotiator and in being gentle-assertive and creative.
- Understand the benefits of leading a purpose driven life and having a life plan. We look at the power of hope.
Whilst the programme can stand on itself, it works best when the group has first bonded. Learning about oneself works better when one is able to open up in a safe environment where trust has already been established. I have found that six to eight (mixed sex) participants works best. The programme sets the scene. It is only in a homegroup setting that true learning and change takes place.
For more information or help with setting up a homegroup please get in touch here.
- Things are not the same for singles!
Singleness in my research can lead to (I suggest you tick those that apply for you):
- An increased sense of not feeling accepted (even alienated) by family, friends and society;
- An increased sense of not feeling loved or not being able to love someone;
- An increased sense of not being understood;
- An increased sense of feeling insecure and unsafe;
- An increased sense of loneliness;
- An increased sense of anger, bitterness or envy;
- An increased sense of failure;
- A reduced ability to make sound decisions;
- A reduced ability to manage all the chores of daily living;
- A reduced ability to have a quality lifestyle;
- A reduced ability to have sex, leading to an increased sense of sexual frustration.
Why do I use the term ‘an increased sense’? The answer is because many non-singles have similar feelings. The message I so want to get across is the simple fact that I recognise that these feelings take on far more relevance when one is not in a relationship. Often they become over whelming. The fact that there is no-one at home to discuss the highs and the lows of the day, to go to bed with or to help with the chores, adds to the woes of life that most married people do not have. Even in an unhealthy (abusive) or dysfunctional family, there is dialogue (albeit not a healthy one). Give a thought to why people stay in a bad marriage. ‘Better here than being alone’, I believe is at the core.
As a result of singleness, you may be able to identify with one or more of four major themes:
- Your life may have less meaning. Divorce and the death of a loved one can lead to squashed dreams and desires. For most, life does seem to have more meaning when in a relationship. A dream without someone to share it with is often pointless, proven by research that shows that single people without a purpose live shorter lives and are often financially less successful.
- Your ability to handle loss. Losses come in many disguises and each may require a different coping mechanism. Coping alone without a close friend is very hard. Here’s some losses that singles have to contend with: death of a loved one; divorce; the loss of a house and belongings as a result of divorce; the loss of family members (especially children) and friends as a result of a divorce or argument: loss mobility and freedom due to illness or accident; loss of mobility and freedom as a result of financial difficulties and so on. It’s not only death that causes one to grieve.
- Your identity may have gone. Your self-esteem and self-worth may have taken a battering, making life hard work and perhaps making you feel quite needy. It’s therefore harder to get out of bed, to cook meals and even to do the simple stuff and harder still without someone to do it for.
Your ability to lead an independent life: in thought and of people. Independence is thrust onto singles in order for singles to survive but can, in my mind, come at a cost. Relational and practical skills can be lost as is the ability to ask for help since doing so can be seen as a sign of weakness (a lie of course!). Poor decision making often happens when you have not consulted with anyone, since an alternative point of view or the awareness of other opportunities are not heard. Furthermore, frustrations and stress occur when things do not get done because of tiredness or when you don’t have the skill needed. More about that later.
It would be really neat if you could comment on this website and on my objectives and our goal.
I will be placing here subjects that I am exploring and would love your feedback.
We have helped people with mental disorders, alcoholism and drugs. Many of the very lonely, however, attended the homegroup purely because it provided them with a family of friends where they felt important. One person living in a caravan park cried or said nothing for months but since has been able to reconcile himself back with his family and has become an evangelist.
Here are comments from some of the participants.
To follow……..
The Process
Contact Us
For further information or for personal needs please feel free to contact me here.
